Just in Case


  1. I want to be cremated. Please tell my parents that they need to burn my body and use the ashes as fertilizer. Plant any tree, anywhere. I don’t care. I just don’t want people to see my dead face. I already look ugly alive, I’m imagining I’d look way worse dead. And to anyone who’s planning on making a tribute, please use the pictures where I look decent. Thanks.
  2. Tell my siblings to read all the Harry Potter books, for me. If they want, they can keep the book. If they need money, they can sell them. Can a friend help them sort out the prices? And please make sure that the books will go to the people who would read them and love them and treasure them. Thanks.
  3. Please give my royalties to my family. I don’t know how that’s going to happen. Aika (natsuri_ayuko) was a law student. She could help.
  4. Tell my mother to sell all my clothes asΒ ukay-ukay. Get rid of all of them. They’re cluttering the house. Sell them, Mother. Don’t just give them away. You need the money!
  5. Ate Jen and Nayin, please publish all of my completed works on Wattpad. Give the money that you’ll get to my family. You both know how I want them done. I know you’ll do them justice. Self-publish them. Don’t send the manuscripts to any publishing house. I want my works to be prioritized for once.
  6. My other worldly possessions will go to my family. They can do whatever the hell they want with them. Better yet, ask one of my brothers to sell them so my mother can buy her medicine with the money. Don’t hold on to my things. But you can keep my published books.
  7. Bruh and Dude, build that house that we’ve been dreaming of. Buy a corgi. I’ll find a way to put my soul into that waddle boi.
  8. Ganda Bait Bango, go to Ateneo. Get a scholarship. You can do it. Follow your dreams, like your idol.
  9. To anyone who felt burdened for taking care of me, I’m sorry. And thank you. A piece of advice, if you know you’ll regret the added responsibility, just say no.
  10. To anyone who’s ever wronged me, you’ll know when you’re forgiven. But for now, feel guilty. Carry this burden, you fuckers.


I don’t have any suicidal thoughts right now. I still want to live. But you’ll never know. So, I’m putting this list out there so if something happens, the concerned parties will know what to do.

P.S. Don’t let them put me in an open casket. I’m not a fucking art to be looked at. And I’ve seen our cemetery. It’s way too crowded.



What Being Lost Feels Like


It is like drowning in shallow water. You can still feel the sand beneath your feet and yet the very air you breathe feels like a million thorns puncturing your lungs at every inhale. It is knowing that your legs are forever anchored to the ground and you choke on your saltwater tears while you daydream about being taken by the clouds somewhere where your sadness can’t reach you. You stare up at the stars wishing that every dead rock carries the answer to all your problems, but every time you make a wish, someone always gets to that answer first.

You can connect the dots to every constellation, but often dream about ceasing to exist as the blank spaces in between them. You can only hope to be as free as the rain, falling down from high up above. You ache for that feeling of finally hitting the ground and being one with all the other droplets, thinking that that’s the only way you will belong anywhere.

The cold air brings you comfort. The only way to be apathetic is to chuck away every inch of love you are keeping inside of you. The love that lost its purpose. The love that weighs you down. The love that ties you here.